Your draft is solid
Line editing
Sentence-level craft — rhythm, clarity, and word choice, line by line — sharpening the prose until it reads unmistakably like you, only better.
When the structure is sound, the work moves down to the sentence. Line editing is where I tune rhythm, cut what’s slack, and make every line carry its weight — without flattening the voice that makes the book yours. This is the service the sample edit shows off: send me a few pages and you’ll see exactly what my hand on your prose looks like.
Quoted from your sample edit